The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is only 130.” Is it just...
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You probably aren’t really maximizing your potential when this happens: “My partner accused me of being immature. I told him to get out of my fort.” You know you have too much time on your hand when after much pondering you realize that parallel lines have so much in common that...
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Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster! Why don’t we just say what we should be saying? I remember when I really wasn’t sure I should say what I was hearing in my head. I was thinking one thing, but I was also...
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What do you call a fake Irish stone? What? A shamrock! Mom, I met an Irish boy on St. Patrick’s Day. Oh, really? No, O’Reilly! What’s Irish and stays out all night? What? Paddy O’Furniture. If life is a journey, then give us a map. If life is a journey, how come it too often...
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A guy walks into a bar, looks around, and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?” The toughest guy looks up, walks over to him, and says, “I’m the strongest here!” The other guy politely asks, “Can you please help me push my car to the...
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly,...
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A pastor went to visit an elderly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up, he noticed he...
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A little girl noticed that her mother had a few grey hairs appearing on her head. “Why is that?” she asked. “Because,” explained the mother, “every time you do something naughty and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The child...
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A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for Valentine’s. He described how the food was made in front of them. The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is the name of the restaurant?” The man replied, “Subway.” If you could meet any historical person, who...
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